My Freindship Phobia

Written by Linda Mains

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People tell me I'm not very talkative, they also tell me, I might be down right anti social. Yes, I've been told that I'm weird, because, I don't have female friends...in fact I don't hang out with anyone. Yes, I guess, that makes me odd. Or maybe, I just see so much negative bullshit, coming from people...and since I have so many of my own issues; why add to my mixed pot of emotional problems?

In not wanting to have a bunch of nagging, needy, emotionally draining, whiny women as friends; make me weird? So I tried, I kept getting heat from my significantly nagging other, about how normal women have womanly friends. So I went out to meet with a potential friend. To add to my defense, I love being alone, I love my alone time, and I never get lonely. Why? Because I've found an art called; "doing things by myself." So since I enjoy my own company so much, when I'm doing things alone. I've learned, to live without the nagging girl friends, that I use to drag around with me. So tonight I attempted to make a friend. I went to meet her for coffee. The whole time; she asked me one question after the other, about what I did, where I hung out, with who, about my boyfriend... she totally pried into my personal life.  I couldn't believe her, we just met and this was our first time hanging out.  I have only hung out with this chick once. So can anybody tell me; why I'm so reluctant to make new friends?

This mentality is everywhere...employers feel that they have the right to dive into every aspect of your personal life, to be able to give you, a job that barely pays minimum wages. No really...it used to be, that if you where someones friend, you would take your time to get to know them. You would ease into the relationship slowly. what I'm trying to say is, some of the things that you could talk about with your new found friend, had to have some type of respect, for the other persons privacy.  You couldn't just meet a person, break their personal boundary's and ask them: "hey didn't I see you in a gay bar the other night?" Which would be an awkward moment for them, because, they where ousted and put on blast in a public place. I'm going to say it; "I don't like how nosy society has become." Look! If I don't want to tell someone or anyone about my complicated life style. I don't have too! It's also none of their God Damn business! Period! End of discussion! That's why they call it a private life; "because it's private!" If I wanted you to know every aspect of my personal life, after just meeting you or anyone. I would tell you or them, to wait until, I came out with the book. Even if I had told this new found friend, that I don't want to be put threw an interview, to be able to hang out with someone. But that's just how are society is, because, of all the dip-shits, that everyone has to constantly deal with in America. People in this country can be down right frightening, you have to departmentalize every aspect of your life when making friends, lovers and when meeting potential boyfriends for your own safety.  I understand it, but that doesn't mean that I agree with a fear driven mentality when hanging out with others.

Maybe one of the reasons, that I don't have friends in real time...well for one, I've lost touch with my friends in Hollywood, when I was living there. Oh I see them here and there occasionally. I also have ADD, and find paying attention to some of the run on sentences, that most women sputter out of their faces, to be very hard to pay attention too. Unless she's smart and really interesting. Does that make me some type of supper weird, anti social chick? Or maybe my type of behavior is from the years of abuse that I went threw, because of a crazy man that I lived with for 7 years. Before him I had really close friends...after him I didn't! I lived with a lot of shame for not having left sooner. So I hid my fear and quilt for years from family and basically got rid of all my friends. I just lost my closeness to the human race after that period in my life, and really didn't, and to some degree still don't, feel very comfortable hanging out with someone else every waking moment of my day. I really feel that people that do need to surround themselves with acquaintances that they are dumb enough to call friends, are living with something that I like to refer to as the God Hole...which is the reason that these people, have to have the same people, constantly hanging out with them, or constantly on their arm. Their the same people that can't stop; texting, calling, writing emails, and meeting their friends on the fly, on a moments notice. Why? Because they really don't like the people that they have become, and will do anything not to be reminded that they feel, so they live their life's threw their friends. How does a person do that? They have clingy people hanging out and on them constantly. 

No two women are the same...and I hate those dumb guys out there, whom have to constantly compare every woman out there, to what every other woman might be like. I'm very spiritual, and I need time to myself! I need time on my own, and I'm so busy doing my own stuff. I'm busy going to the gym, writing, being on Facebook, working, or going to party's with my boyfriend. I simply don't have a million miles of free time, to hang out with friends, if I was even into that, which I'm not. I hate societal pressure to be a certain way...I've always been different. I didn't speak until I was 4, and my parents where told, that I might be Autistic. I played by myself, and never needed anyone else...ever! I want to make the important people in my life happy, but I am happy with who I am, and how I am. Would I like more friends? Yes! If they're not annoying, needy, or someone I'll have to keep away from my back, with that knife they're holding.

Look, I understand that there are certain questions that need to be asked, when one firsts meets someone else. I understand that; but where do boundaries come in? You know where you end and I start? All I want in a friend, is someone who likes me for me, and wants to hang out. I'm not looking to open a bank account with a new friend, or rent an apartment with someone. Oh, and if I need relationship advice, I've got Dr Phil or my Dad. I don't need a new friend telling me; how my 3 year relationship should be going. In a conversation like this; "so how does that make you feel, and there's more to this then your telling me?" All I had to say was; you have to accept people for who they are, you can't go into any relationship trying to change everything about a person, and if there is some things wrong in my relationship, I am 50% responsible for them. I need a friend that won't judge me, or try to fix me! One that won't look down on me because of my salted past, or colorful, or seedy past. But even when you're looking for a job, you'll get personal questions...questions; that I feel are very intrusive into my life. I don't think that my personal life or anything that I'm doing in it, is any employers or new friends business. If I want to tell you that's my choice, otherwise it's none of your business!

So will I ever get past my anti-friend phobia's, probably not...I'm really picky! I want someone who won't put me to sleep with their drowning life's stories, about their dead end jobs, or a person that goes on about themselves. I also don't want a friend who wants to fix me, or a friend that need's to run a credit check on me, or one that needs my I.D before hanging out...tonight's outing to make a new friend, was almost like a bad session of speed dating. I'll keep trying but I think I like the person I am...I'm a loner and happy to be one.